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Waking up from a writing paralysis.

A couple of weeks ago I was in the hospital visiting a friend who is paralyzed and needed surgery to be more comfortable. Talking with him I realized that one of the greatest beauties in life is in when we connect with another human being.  Connect around our emotions, stories, heartaches and hilarious realities. Sitting on the hospital bed I had an awakening of sorts and a deep realization that my writing is one of my greatest entries to connect not only to myself but hopefully to help others feel not so alone in all their stories.  


In this awakening, I also painfully realized I have been avoiding writing for the past six to eight months.  Even though on a weekly basis I am asked, “Are you writing a new book?” Or told, “I haven’t seen a post from you in a while.” I take this as a compliment, but also need to be honest with myself around why I have been in a writing paralysis avoiding putting words onto the computer screen.   Even though I know deeply that writing is something that I love and is my way to communicate my thoughts and feelings as a writer and a human being in hopes to help others feel not so alone in their triumphs and tragedies. 


So why have I been avoiding writing? 


I have given myself loads of reasons of why I have not written, “Molly you have been working so much, you are running a coaching program, working with companies, and taking care of your children and family.”  Or “You don’t have time, you are barely making it to your bed at night, who has time to write.”  Or when I get up at 5 am instead of writing I blindly tell myself, “You need to check your emails and answer texts for the day.”


But when I sit quietly with myself, I realize the underbelly of truth is that I didn’t want to feel or be honest with my life.   I didn’t want to have to go inside where my depth and demons live, where my shadows and soul reside.  No, I wanted to make a cup of coffee, go into my world of technology and work and not feel.  Because writing creates space for me be really honest around where I am in my life, and deeply vulnerable to you all and this has scared the shit out of me lately. I would rather keep running around in my external world than stop, and go inside to my internal world to process, and then express what is really going on in order to relate to others. 


Do any of my words resonate with you?  Do you ever find yourself running around because you do not want to stop and feel your emotions or be quiet to hear your whispering voice of truth?  Do you find yourself numbing with food, wine, Netflix, signing up for things at your kids’ school or staying late at work because you don’t want to face your truth of being lonely or lost? Or do you ever find yourself wasting hours answering emails, texts or being on social media because witnessing someone else’s life is so much easier than living your own life? Well, you are not alone.  I think we all find ways to avoid being with ourselves because when we do come home to our own soul it is like opening a wound of our life that is sometimes to uncomfortable to touch. 


But from where I sit today, forcing myself to write, I want to encourage you that it is worth all the discomfort to discover your truth. Being vulnerable in all your successes and losses will bring you a deeper connection to your family and friends. Being conscious about the fact that you are numbing with too much with sugar, wine, or shopping will help you change unhealthy habits to be more whole in your body and soul.  Being honest that you are avoiding seeing certain people because you know they will intimately ask you, “how are you?” will only help you face your fears versus running from yourself. 


It is about facing the reality of your life in all its beauty and brutal truth.  It is about waking up with a set of clear eyes and an open heart to live with compassion for yourself and others.


So, I ask you to ponder these questions today:


1.   What are you avoiding right now because it is going to make you be honest about your life?

2.   What in life makes you feel more alive and less alone?

3.   What 3 action steps can you take today to connect to another human being with heart and compassion. 



My wish for you is to not only ponder on these questions but to write and take the action steps necessary to answer them and make changes to live by.  To not avoid, numb, hide or resist all the beauties in life that may scare you but ultimately wake you up to your truth, your life. It is not only my wish for you but the words I needed to write today.   Thank you, dear friend, for allowing me to sit with you in a hospital room to move from my own mental, spiritual and physical writing paralysis to a place of facing the truth that writing is what brings me so much closer to me.

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© 2019 by Molly Carroll

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